Top 10 Signs You’re a "Dad"

Another stereotypical image of fatherhood. Phase one dads get all the glory. (Photo by Jude Beck on Unsplash)

Father’s Day takes on different significance the older you and your children get. There are really four distinct phases of fatherhood. When you’re young, when your children are newborns or toddlers, you’re in the first phase -- still just getting used to the idea that somebody is dependent on you, and you can no longer do whatever you want whenever you want. Sure, it’s novel and fun to get a whole new holiday where people give you stuff. But besides changing diapers and sleepless nights, you still haven’t fully settled into the role of being a dad. All the cute, sentimental images of dads playing with their children are from this phase.

With two teenage boys, I’m definitely in the second phase of fatherhood. That’s when you first become a “dad,” in the bad sense of that word. It’s when you tip from your kids looking up at you (both figuratively and literally) to, at best, tolerating you. On good days.

So for my friends and colleagues who are uncertain if you’ve entered that second phase of fatherhood, I offer these top 10 signs that you’ve become a “dad.”

10. You have fewer than 400 followers on Instagram. You also say “fewer” instead of “less.” You don’t understand the point of Snapchat, period.

9. Your sons hand shirts down to you. They are too big, so you tuck them in.

8. Walking your dog qualifies as exercise. Your dog walks faster than you and pauses impatiently to wait for you.

7. You have a golf handicap. You know what it is, to the decimal. And you are trying to improve it.

6. You can’t understand why someone would waste money buying a new car. Your 200,000-mile Honda Odyssey is still running, after all.

5. You go to bed before your kids get home from being out with friends. You need your solid 10 hours of sleep.

4. You rarely wear shorts. When you do, it's with a belt. Your exposed calves look like albino elephant skin.

3. When your kids say something “shmacks,” is “straight fire” or is “dank,” you have no idea if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

2. Your wallet has become communal property. Cash is immediately embezzled. Credit cards wander off like lost puppies. Your kids think your driver’s license photo looks like a registered sex offender.

1. Nobody in your family laughs at your jokes. You find them hysterical.

If you’re exhibiting more than three of the signs above, it’s time to face the fact that you’re a “dad.” So go ahead and embrace that second phase of fatherhood. Phase three will happen soon enough, when your children are grown adults and you don’t need to worry about them any more. When they're free to make their own mistakes. And then, finally in the fourth phase, they’ve got to take care of you. So you have that to look forward to. Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there!