Slack-ing Off
Photo by Austin Distel on Unsplash
AUTHOR’S NOTE: One of the nice things about managing your own blog is you don’t need to be constrained by editorial guidelines. So, here’s a departure from my usual posts. I was reminded recently, upon reading Several People Are Typing by Calvin Kasulke, a novel told entirely through Slack messages, that I wrote this post titled “Slack-ing Off.” I submitted it to The New Yorker’s Shouts & Murmurs humor column . . . about one week before COVID happened and we all started working from home. Suffice it to say, they passed. But, now that we’re going back to offices, and, frankly, living on Slack anyway, I thought it was a good time to resurrect it. Enjoy!
SLACK-ING OFF
By Mike Trigg
#Office
Carrie 9:15 AM @here Everybody please welcome our new hire Mark to the company! @Mark we use Slack here to communicate more efficiently. Email is such a distraction! Am-i-right?!?
Jon 9:15 AM Welcome, @Mark!
Soo-jin 9:15 AM Welcome, @Mark!
Adam 9:15 AM Welcome, @Mark!
Carrie 9:16 AM @Mark, I’ve added you to the most important Slack channels, including #Office, #HR, #IT, #Lunch, #Coffee, #Congratulations, #Birthdays, #Selfies, #Dirty_dishes, and our daily indulgence, #Cat_pictures!
Mark 9:17 AM Thanks @here for the warm welcome. I’m excited to be joining!
Chad 9:20 AM @here, I’m at Philz. Anyone want a pour over coffee?
Adam reacted with :thumbsup: emoji, Anil reacted with :coffeecup: emoji, Soo-jin reacted with :loveparrot: emoji
Carrie 9:25 AM @Chad friendly reminder from HR to take coffee orders in the #Coffee channel so it’s not distracting everyone. Thx!
#Coffee
Chad 9:26 AM So I’ve got @Adam, @Anil and @Soo-jin. Anyone else? I’ll put it on our corporate account.
Susan 9:27 AM Venti nonfat cappuccino with equal please! :smiley: emoji
Chad 9:28 AM @Susan, this isn’t Starbucks! LOL! #NoEspresso!
Adam 9:28 AM And no nonfat milk or fake sweeteners either! #natural
Susan reacted with :cry: emoji
#Office
Zach 9:45 AM @here, I made some butterscotch sandy cookies in my baking workshop in #Potrero last night. In the kitchen! Help yourself!
10 people reacted with :yum: emoji
Susan 9:52 AM Are they gluten free?? :pray: emoji
Jon 9:53 AM @Susan they’re cookies, not hockey pucks.
Stewart 9:54 AM @here I have a severe peanut allergy :peanut: emoji
Zack 9:55 AM Problem solved! I wrote a list of ingredients next to the cookies in case anyone has allergies. Enjoy!
Carrie 9:57 AM Hey, guys — this topic probably doesn’t belong in #Office. So I created a new channel called #Snacks and invited everyone! Thanks, @Zack! #yum!
Carrie 9:58 AM Reminder to use the appropriate Slack channel for your messages, so we don’t distract everyone. #productivity
#Snacks
Anne 10:03 AM thanks for the cookies, @Zack! @here, FYI the cookies have dairy #lactoseintolerant
Stewart 10:08 AM Thanks for the warning, @Anne!
#IT
Dave 10:15 AM @Mark you’re all set. I added you to all our corporate accounts.
Mark 10:16 AM Thanks, @Dave! How do I get my login?
Dave 10:17 AM Just send “reset password” to @Slackbot
Slackbot 10:17 AM @Mark, your password reset link has been sent
Mark 10:18 AM Uhh... thanks, @Slackbot
#Selfies
Kayla 10:45 AM Hey, @here! I’m baaack! Honeymoon was amazing! Here’s me and Beau in front of the Eiffel Tower! #blessed
Dave, Anil, Zack, Chad, Stewart, Jon and Soo-jin reacted with :heart: emojis
Kayla 10:46 AM Thanks! Missed you guys! You’re the #best!!! Also, I left some INCREDIBLE French macarons in the kitchen! Enjoy!
Carrie 10:47 AM Welcome back, @Kayla. FYI, since you were gone, there’s now a Slack channel for #Snacks
Kayla 10:53 AM OK. Anyone else need a coffee??? #jetlag
Soo-jin 10:54 AM IKR!
Carrie 10:55 AM Friendly reminder, there’s also a #Coffee channel.
#Lunch
Chad 11:35 AM Anyone getting hungry??
Carrie 11:38 AM Reminder we ordered pizza for lunch today. :pizza: emoji
Chad 11:39 AM AGAIN?!? :thumbsdown: emoji
Chad, Zack, Jon, Soo-jin, Dave, Anil reacted with :thumbsdown: emojis
Kayla 11:40 AM I’m actually #stoked for pizza after all that French food! Here’s me eating a nutella crepe! YOLO!
Dave, Zack, Chad, Stewart, Jon, Anil and Soo-jin reacted with :heart: emojis
Susan 11:42 AM Is there a gluten-free option?
Stewart 11:45 AM and *dairy* free?
Carrie 11:51 AM Yes and yes. Also vegan option with cauliflower crust
Dave 11:52 AM is there a meat lovers option?
Slackbot 12:20 PM Reminder: @here Throw out any extra food.
#Dirty_dishes
Kayla 12:25 PM To whoever left their dishes in the sink, PUT THEM IN THE DISHWASHER! #gross
Dave, Zack, Chad, Stewart, Jon, Anil and Soo-jin reacted with :thumbsup: emojis
Slackbot 12:25 PM Reminder: @here Put your dishes in the dishwasher.
#HR
Carrie 1:10 PM @here Reminder to complete your employee satisfaction survey.
Carrie 1:12 PM Be sure to tell us what you think about all the new snacks!
Zach 1:14 PM Shouldn’t that feedback be in the #Snacks channel? :wink: emoji
Carrie 1:17 PM Also, new gym memberships available. :barbell: emoji
Carrie 1:18 PM And open enrollment starts Thursday!
#Office
Kayla 1:45 PM Someone left the refrigerator door open. Such a waste of energy! #climatechange
Dave, Zack, Chad, Stewart, Jon, Anil and Soo-jin reacted with :frowning: emojis
Dave 1:58 PM In the spirit of our upcoming hackathon, I rigged a sensor to the refrigerator door which will send a Slackbot notification if the door has been open for >5 minutes.
Kayla reacted with an :earth: emoji
Slackbot 2:03 PM The refrigerator door is open.
#Birthday
Carrie 2:25 PM @here It’s @Melissa’s birthday!! Join us for cake in the kitchen. :birthdaycake: emoji
Kayla 2:26 PM Happy Birthday @Melissa
Jon, Chad, Anil and Susan reacted with :birthdaycake: emojis
Soo-jin 2:27 PM Happy Birthday @Melissa
Melissa 2:31 PM Hey, @here, I’m WFH today, so . . .
Carrie 2:32 PM We’ll save you a slice @Melissa!
Carrie 2:33 PM Also, congrats to @Anil for getting accepted to the UC evening MBA program!
Dave 2:34 PM @Carrie, this thread belongs in the #Congratulations channel
Carrie reacted with :thumbsup: emoji
Kayla 2:43 PM PLEEEEASE take extra cake home!! :pray: emoji
#Coffee
Chad 3:07 PM Anyone else in a food coma??
Kayla 3:10 PM Zzzzzzzz
Dave 3:10 PM ROFL!!
Soo-jin reacted with :sleeping: emoji
Chad 3:12 PM I’m going to Philz, @here give me your orders.
Kayla 3:15 PM Can you get our fearless leader @Justin his usual? And get something for @Mark
Chad 3:20 PM Who’s Mark?? :shrug: emoji
Carrie 3:21 PM He’s our new hire who started today!
#Selfies
Adam 3:45 PM Like my new mustache? More beeswax? Take my survey: Cut it or Keep it?
#Office
Justin 4:23 PM Hey, @here. BIG week this week! Need to get the next version of our app out before my TED talk! #NoDistractions #ChangeTheWorld
14 people reacted with :thumbsup: emojis
#Cat_pictures
Slackbot 5:00 PM Here’s today's cat picture!
Mark reacted with :loveparrot: emoji
#Happy_hour
Adam 5:16 PM Beers anyone?
14 people reacted with :thumbsup: emojis