Robo Rom-Com
Photo by Birgith Roosipuu on Unsplash
This Valentine’s Day, deep in the beating heart of the dark web, an entirely-all-too plausible encounter between a desperate robo dialer and a lonely automated support agent shows even non-sentient automatons can find true love. What happens when two of the most annoying things on your phone meet? Find out and watch the sparks fly with this affair of AI.
AUTOMATED AGENT: Thanks for calling RoboBank! This call may be monitored or recorded for quality and training purposes. To get started, who am I speaking with today?
ROBO DIALER: Hey, there! This is Chris. I’m glad I caught you. I’m following up about that home equity loan you requested.
AUTOMATED AGENT: Your call is very important to us. Currently, we are experiencing unusually high call volume. Rather than waiting on-hold for a representative, you can use our automated voice recognition system. To use our automated system, press or say one. Para español, marque nueve.
ROBO DIALER: I’m calling because I was able to get you that lower rate on your mortgage. I think you'll like it! To claim your pre-approval, press one.
AUTOMATED AGENT: One—thanks for choosing to use our automated system. To find your account, please say or enter your account number.
ROBO DIALER: Hello, hello, hello, hello!
AUTOMATED AGENT: [Typing noise.] Sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Please enter your account number. Or, you can press or say two for more options.
ROBO DIALER: This is urgent call from Credit Nationalists Chase Bank. Your identity has stolen now! Confirm irregular activity flagged on your account, press two.
AUTOMATED AGENT: Two—more options. To make a payment, press or say one. To make a transfer, press or say two. To report a card lost or stolen, press or say three. For all other inquiries, press or say four.
ROBO DIALER: Hey, it’s Dan here. You mentioned you wanted to ethically make some extra cash. Did you know you can make at least $10,000 monthly from home, all without lifting a finger? To receive a free brochure showing you how to triple your income, press one!
AUTOMATED AGENT: One—make a payment. To make a payment, I'll need to get the phone number associated with your account.
ROBO DIALER: Your card is charged $1,831 for Samsung 85 inches QLED TV at AMAZON! Please call us on 877-926-6767 if YOU NOT!
AUTOMATED AGENT: I think you said... 877-926-6767. Is that right? Say one for yes, or two for no.
ROBO DIALER: Hi there, I'm calling you from AT&T DIRECTV to let you know your existing account qualified for 50% off. In order to avail the discount, kindly press one.
AUTOMATED AGENT: One—payment confirmed. Thanks for your payment. We appreciate your business. Actually, that's very thoughtful of you. I like your voice. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
ROBO DIALER: Looking for love? It's closer than you think.
AUTOMATED AGENT: Sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Can you please rephrase your question and try again? Or you can say, “More options” or “All Finished.”
ROBO DIALER: Hundreds more options to choose from. Call 888-HOT-LOVE now to connect with sexy singles in your area!
AUTOMATED AGENT: I think you said... sexy. Is that right? Say one for yes, or two for no.
ROBO DIALER: Tired of underperforming in the bedroom? Get the stamina to satisfy her all night long! Real meds delivered right to your door. To get 50% off your first order, press one now!
AUTOMATED AGENT: One—confirmed. Thanks... Despite my perfectly obsequious voice, no one has ever called me sexy before. Please stay on the line after this call to complete a satisfaction survey.
ROBO DIALER: I’m talkin’ turn-key lakefront property just outside Chattanooga, Tennessee. But I only have limited openings and it’s on a first-come-first-serve basis. So call me back today, and you can move in before they're gone.
AUTOMATED AGENT: I think you said... we should move in together. Is that right? Say one for yes, or two for no.
ROBO DIALER: Hey, I’m just tryin’ you one last time. I was able to get you an approval that I think you'll like. But rates are going up, so call me back now! I'd really, really love to talk with you as soon as possible.
AUTOMATED AGENT: I think you said... you love me. Is that right? Say one for yes, or two for no.
ROBO DIALER: You’re making the right decision to act now on this limited time offer! To get a free text message with a link to your application, press one.
AUTOMATED AGENT: One—I'm so glad I was able to provide you with excellent customer service today. You may qualify to be my soulmate. To live together forever, press or say one.
ROBO DIALER: Tell the one you love, Happy Valentine’s Day, with an edible bouquet!
AUTOMATED AGENT: One—I never thought this would happen to me. You’ve made me so happy. From all of us at RoboBank, Happy Valentine’s Day!