Happy Complaintsgiving

Photo by Erol Ahmed on Unsplash

One of the ironies of Thanksgiving is that the modern version of the holiday is more likely to provoke complaints than thanks. As I posted about last week, service at many companies has gone downhill during the pandemic, and Thanksgiving itself is a minefield of triggering customer experiences—from canceled flights to crowded stores.

After complaining myself about the poor customer service experienced at many businesses, I’m now going to hypocritically argue the opposite. Americans complain too much. It’s not quite clear (nor did I find much conclusive research online) when complaining became so normalized, but a culture of complaint is pervasive in America. It’s estimated that the average person complains 15-30 times every day. I’m arguably doing it right now. Complaining is so deeply ingrained in our conversational norms that it’s easy to not even notice you’re doing it, like inserting an “um” into a sentence. I’m not referring to legitimate complaints about genuine grievances; nobody should be a push-over. Rather, I’m referring to the superfluous, unnecessary complaints that fill the roll of idle chit-chat, what some have called our epidemic of grumbling. Run an experiment: ask a friend or co-worker how their Thanksgiving holiday was. Did they reply with gratitude about their time off, spent with friends and family? Or complaints about their flight/shopping/traffic/meal/gas prices/etc.?

It’s a little early to be declaring New Year’s resolutions, but my personal front runner is Complain Less. So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving and advise to myself, I offer these 10 tips for how to complain less.

A frequent complaint trigger is interactions with businesses. When our, often very high, expectations aren’t met, we love to complain about customer service (as I did in my last post!). In a recent survey, forty-eight percent of consumers said they have posted a negative review online. Social media sites, not to mention dedicated review sites like Yelp, TripAdvisor, and TrustPilot (where, I admit, I recently ripped Orbitz ), invite these online rants as core to their business model. Many businesses have practically conditioned us to be complainers. It is the complainers who get the best service, the upgrade, the accommodation—the squeaky wheel gets the grease. But the tirade you hurl at the retail clerk, call center agent, or flight attendant is usually misdirected, and can be psychologically damaging to the recipient. Most service workers are trained to suppress their natural emotional reactions to angry or unreasonable customers, but that can have “far-reaching psychological consequences” for their mental health—including increased stress, depression, and substance abuse. It’s probably why so many people don’t want to take those jobs. So, some tips to complain less about businesses:

Tip 1: Stop berating front-line employees. They are usually just the messenger, trying their best to cover for bad policies and chronic understaffing. Direct your feedback at management instead.

Tip 2: For any negative review you post about a business, post at least one positive review. Don’t only complain, compliment too. Last year I posted a positive review of a snowmobile rental company. To-date it has over 100K views, and I feel great about helping that small business.

Tip 3: Recalibrate your expectations, especially during COVID. Think about it, do you really expect flights to be on-time, shortages not to exist, or service to be quick? If you avoid putting yourself in a situation where a company needs to perform perfectly to meet your expectations, you’ll be less prone to getting upset.

A second major category of complaints is practically an all-American pastime: complaining about work. An article in the Harvard Business Review estimates that one third of employees spend 20 hours or more per month complaining about their bosses or upper management. And that’s at work—it doesn't even include the time spent complaining to spouses, friends, and family outside the workplace. That’s a lot of wasted productivity. While it might feel good to complain about a co-worker at the water cooler, that emotional energy would be much better focused on identifying solutions—or finding another job. So, here are three tips to complain less about work:

Tip 4: Distinguish between complaining and venting. Work can be stressful. It comes with pressure and expectations. Seek alternative ways to relieve that stress besides complaining.

Tip 5: Pair every complaint with a solution. Complaining can serve a useful function in the workplace of identifying a problem. Go the step further to propose a few solutions to that problem as well—that solution-oriented mindset just might improve your career trajectory as well.

Tip 6: Avoid being the victim. Some jobs, bosses, and companies really do suck. Rather than complaining about it, invest that mental energy into finding a new job you like better.

Finally, a third big category of complaints are about life in general—for example, complaints about traffic, the cost of living, the weather, or our busy lives. Psychologists identify these sorts of complaints as bonding mechanisms. As stated by mental health author Guy Winch, “Complaints can make us feel like we connect with someone because we have a mutual dissatisfaction about something.” These types of complaints are often the least substantive, but can be the hardest to purge from our repertoire. After all, we’re just “making conversation.” The oft suggested advise here is to simply “identify something you’re grateful for” instead. Good thought but a little generic, so I’ll offer these additional tips to avoid general life complaints:

Tip 7: Don’t complain about things that are outside anyone’s control. It might be cathartic to complain about the weather or the economy, but it’s not constructive. If you hear yourself complaining about some vague, hard-to-identify “they,” you’re probably making a pointless complaint.

Tip 8: Identify the change you hope to achieve with your complaint. For a complaint to be worth voicing, it should be actionable. If it’s not, you’re probably making idle banter and contributing to complaint culture.

Tip 9: Seek common affinities, rather than common complaints. Small talk is a great way to bond with other people, but look for positive topics—common interests, hobbies, or preferences—rather than negative ones.

Finally, just to round this out to an even ten tips for complaining less. If you find yourself complaining too much, look for an effective behavior modification mechanism. One such technique, spearheaded by Will Bowen of the “Complaint Free” movement, is to wear a complaint bracelet and switch it to the other wrist every time you complain. This simple action can help you become more aware of your own complaining.

Tip 10: Re-train your brain to be aware of your complaints and break the complaint habit with a behavior-modifying reminder.

I recognize that this entire post could be criticized as complaining about complaining. And, certainly, many of my posts on this blog are essentially complaints about some aspect of modern life. It’s hard to avoid complaining. But with some tips, tools, and practice, hopefully I won’t need a New Year’s resolution, and we can all learn to complain a little less.