2021 Holiday COVID Guide
A Handy Guide to 2021 Holiday COVID Etiquette
When and where you’ll need one of these this holiday season. (Photo by Volodymyr Hryshchenko on Unsplash)
With the rise of the Omicron variant of COVID-19 and the onslaught of holiday social gatherings, navigating the latest mask mandates, vaccination requirements, and social distancing guidelines can be a challenge—not to mention cultural norms that vary by region, family, and forum, further complicating the already awkward traditions of the holidays. So, to keep you and your loved ones safe—and avoid being socially ostracized—here is a helpful guide to Holiday 2021 COVID etiquette.
Activity: Festive dinner with friends at a restaurant
Location: San Francisco, CA
COVID Etiquette: Arrive with a face covering and proof of vaccination. A picture of your vaccination card is fine, even if it’s actually a picture of a parking ticket. Masks may be removed once seated. It’s chill... we’re all vaccinated.
Activity: Shopping for the family feast at a farmers’ market
Location: Berkeley, CA
COVID Etiquette: Must wear a face covering at all times over nose and mouth, preferably hand-woven, sustainably-sourced, and fair-trade certified. Hemp strongly preferred. Must show proof of vaccination, and a booster. Moderna preferred. J&J not accepted due to their role in the opioid crisis. Social distancing that encroaches a ten-foot perimeter will be met with a stern reprimand from the lady in front of you in line, paying for organic kale with nickels.
Activity: Company holiday party
Location: Palo Alto, CA
COVID Etiquette: Wear a mask, but no biggie if it slips off your nose, or under your chin, or into your pocket. Mask also not required any time you’re eating, drinking, or talking, or... basically anytime. Consider returning mask to cover your nose and mouth when Anne from HR close-talks you, or Tom from Accounting showers you in spittle as he devours a bacon-wrapped shrimp. Good news, you can leave your vaccination card at home. All you need is a 2FA-validated QR code from your Clear app and a quick DocuSign of the liability waiver.
Activity: Holiday craft fair
Location: Portland, OR
COVID Etiquette: All vendors will be outdoors, in a parking lot, at a minimum social distance of six feet. No need for a vaccination card as long as you wear a “This guy is vaccinated” t-shirt. Don’t touch any items for sale. If you touch something, you have to buy it—including the hand-crocheted ornaments by the patchouli lady from Ashland. May briefly lower your mask to enjoy the seasonal duck tacos and celebration doppelbock ale served from a food truck. Arrive early because attendance will be capped at six people. Bring a parka.
Activity: Air travel
Location: Various
COVID Etiquette: Departing from SFO, wear your mask at all times and use your antiseptic wipe to sterilize arm rests, serving tray, and the mouth of the passenger crammed next to you in 42E who is hacking up a lung. Transferring in DFW, pull your mask under your chin and feel free to high-five strangers watching the football game at TGI Friday’s. Arriving at JFK, return mask to nose and mouth as TSA examines your vaccination card under UV light, administers a rectal thermometer, and subjects you to a smelldown by a COVID-detecting beagle—all because your flight happened to arrive concurrently with a flight from Johannesburg.
Activity: Gift shopping on Fifth Avenue
Location: New York City
COVID Etiquette: Enjoy the tree at Rockefeller Center from a safe distance, preferably Brooklyn. To enter stores, present your vaccination card, along with proof of vaccination for all your extended family members and your entire contact tracing history for the last two years. Discreetly avoid the unmasked father of a family visiting from Tennessee who is rapidly spiraling into a Joe Rogan-esque tirade for being refused entry to Dylan’s Candy Bar. Apply hand sanitizer at each store, until your hands are raw stumps.
Activity: Extended family gathering
Location: Chicago, IL
COVID Etiquette: Arrive with festive facial covering. Sequins and LED illumination preferred. Masks with the logo of a Big10 university are also acceptable. May remove facial covering if hostess greets you, maskless, with a protracted hug and open-mouthed kiss on the cheek. Avoid conversation with Uncle Jerry at all costs. If Uncle Jerry corners you, return facial covering immediately and nod politely about the “China virus” being a secret plot of George Soros and the deep state. Masks no longer required after fifth egg nog.
Activity: Unitarian Christmas eve service
Location: New Hampshire
COVID Etiquette: With a congregation averaging 80 years of age, wear double KN95 masks duct-taped to your face—even though the service will be held outside, socially distanced, in 25 MPH wind. Face shield preferred, particularly if partaking in the obligatory caroling. To avoid dirty looks, have some crumpled bills ready when the COVID relief fund wicker basket is passed to you. Contribution to the vegan potluck is optional. Consumption of the vegan potluck is discouraged.
Activity: Baptist Christmas morning service
Location: Georgia
COVID Etiquette: Do not, under any circumstances, wear your mask. Don’t even mention masks. Laugh when the pastor makes a joke in his sermon about the futility of masks when you have Jesus to protect you. Openly shake hands, embrace, kiss, and otherwise maximize physical contact with as many fellow congregants as possible. To avoid dirty looks, be prepared to sign the petition circulating the pews stating that mask mandates are an unconstitutional governmental over-reach, vaccines are proven to contain tracking devices, and that you are already “immunized by Jesus.”
Activity: Holiday beach vacation
Location: Hawaii
COVID Etiquette: Before arriving to the islands, upload your vaccination card to the State of Hawaii website, along with your flight number, hotel address, mother’s maiden name, blood type, sperm count, menstrual cycle, and five-generation genealogical chart. Must present a negative COVID test 48 hours prior to arrival, and 24 hours prior to arrival, and 12 hours prior to arrival, and immediately before and after your flight, regardless of vaccination status. A 10-inch cotton swab will be inserted into your nasal passage after a 3-hour wait in the mainland arrivals terminal. If you test negative, you will receive a wrist band and neck tattoo that indicates you may freely spend money in the state. If you refuse these tests, you must quarantine in solitary confinement at your own expense for three weeks of your one-week vacation. Mahalo.
Finally, if abiding by all these guidelines is just too much, you can always return to the 2020 Holiday COVID guide: shop online, gather by zoom, and shelter in place. Happy Holidays!