Note: This attempt at comic relief is dedicated to all those afflicted with COVID-19 and the front-line healthcare professionals who are making the true sacrifices.

With the latest news that shelter-at-home and social distancing could continue indefinitely, and perhaps even escalate into a full-blown lockdown, it's time to adapt our cushy, modern lifestyles and learn some basic survival skills. For those of us who weren’t in the Boy Scouts (which is pretty much everyone female or under age 82), here is a primer of what you need to know. Your way of living could depend on the skills you learn here.

What’s the deal with the run on toilet paper???

Get your Instacart delivery window early - it’s harder than ever to get an Instacart delivery scheduled, so plan ahead. Before COVID, you could just say, “I need ketchup” and it would show up that afternoon. Now you need to plan at least 24 hours in advance. You may even need to buy groceries you think you’ll need two or even three days from now. Be prepared. Reality check: that artisan ciabatta your family loves may not be available. Hope you like sprouted 7-grain.
Sit at least 6 feet from your Uber driver - you may not realize this, but sitting in the front passenger seat or directly behind the driver are within the six-foot corona radius. The only safe way for you to be chauffeured is in the rear right seat wearing a surgical mask with your head hanging out the window.
Plan for non-essentials from Amazon Prime to be delayed - Who is Amazon to judge what I consider “essential?” How am I supposed to keep up my moisturizing regimen without free next-day delivery?!? Thanks a lot, Jeff Bezos. So order that extra bottle of L'Oreal Men Expert Flash Bronzer now.
Brace yourself for abrasive toilet paper - Nothing accelerates Americans' need to use the toilet like a global respiratory pandemic. So, naturally, the toilet paper supply is decimated. No more Quilted Northern Ultra Plush for you. Time to get familiar with the bark chips embedded in Green Forest's recycled single-ply.
Have a plan B if your Netflix streaming is interrupted - Imagine the scenario: you’re binge-watching back episodes of “Worst Cooks in America” when it glitches for, like, two minutes. You’d better have a back-up plan. If you don’t have Apple TV or Amazon Prime Video, you may need to fire up that free Google Chromecast thingy you got at a trade show. Consider training your family on DVD playback.
Prepare a suitable videoconferencing background - Nobody wants to see you in your pajamas in front of an old Harry Potter poster during work video conferences. Clean up your home office, for God’s sake. Line your shelves with inspiring business books you want people to think you've read. Add some Edison lighting if possible.
Familiarize yourself with new food delivery services - Your GrubHub poke bowl delivery might take 90 minutes, or more! Your DoorDash “dasher” may ghost you, especially if you’re “that guy” who never leaves a tip. The food delivery situation is growing more dire by the day. You may need to install Postmates. These are desperate times.
Invest in a second pair of sweatpants - Let’s face it, that favorite pair you’ve been wearing on the weekends since college is great, but they weren't designed to be worn 14 days consecutively. Now is the time to fully embrace the ath-leisure trend you’ve been making fun of and upgrade your sweatsuit wardrobe, if only you could find an open Nordstrom.
Dedicate a space for your Peloton - You probably aren’t going to the gym again, ever. You didn’t go before it was a germ-infested coronavirus hot spot. You think those moist towelettes are doing anything? Embrace the at-home workout by setting up your Peloton. But not just anywhere - put it someplace you can be seen using it by your neighbors. Appropriate locations include the bay window of your mansion, the terrace of your penthouse suite, or the patio of your Hamptons estate.
Develop reliable information sources - Who can trust the deep-state partisan hacks at the CDC or WHO anymore? Let alone the agenda-pushing “mainstream media” who spread their propaganda? I get all my news from Nextdoor, Pinterest and Twitter now. Or I just make it up and post it on Medium.

So remember to keep your distance, but keep up your lifestyle. Together, while remaining socially distanced, we can overcome this crisis.

Top 10 Modern "Shelter-at-Home" Survival Skills